Forgiveness (2)

Matthew 18:21-35

Introduction

This past week judgment was rendered in a difficult court case in Johnson City.  In September, 2000, a local audiologist was extremely depressed.  She drove her car while she was intoxicated and hit a 21-year-old man who now has permanent brain damage.  If she went to jail, the audiologist would loose her job and be unable to pay compensation to the victim.  The judge said, “This has been a particularly tragic and difficult case.”  The driver was convicted and sentence to spend 60 days in jail.

            In this situation, it seemed that many people lost much.  Unfortunately, showing mercy and offering forgiveness within our legal system is necessarily the best thing for society.  However, this case shows the grave consequences when forgiveness does not take place.

            Last week we looked at the cost of not forgiving others.  (If you were not here, you can get a copy of the tape or access it via our web site.)  This morning I want us, once again, to look at this vital subject.  I want us to examine the levels of unforgiveness and forgiveness.

Levels of unforgiveness

            Unforgiveness takes place on a spectrum.  On one end is where one may simply be peeved with another person and on the other end is hatred to the point of seeking to harm the offender.  A couple of weeks ago I was asked to do a simple project but I kept forgetting they bring the necessary tools.  A couple of people were pressing me about the project while I was busy.  Within I was agitated and wished they would relax.  However, I did forgive and got the project completed.

            Within the Bible, we find several examples of unforgiveness that serve as markers for understanding this spectrum of unforgiveness.  The cases I have chosen are biblical characters that are admired and are often considered heroes of the faith.  Yet in their lives, we find they too struggled with forgiving.

            (Acts 15:36-41)  Barnabas and Paul had been missionary partners.  After a furlough from their first successful mission, they began to talk about going together on a second tour.  Both agreed that this is what God desired.  The details were working out great until Barnabas suggested they take with them a young man by the name of John Mark.  Mark had traveled with them on their original mission but had come home when things had grown difficult.

            When Paul heard Barnabas suggestion, he voiced strong disapproval.  He felt it was not appropriate.  The conflict grew so intense, Paul and Barnabas parted company.  One went in one direction and the other in another.  These men were peeved with one another.  Each had a need to forgive.  (It does seem from later passages that these men did forgive one another.)

            Sometimes agitated feelings can grow into more intense thoughts and feelings.  A terrible thing happened King David’s household.  The king was married to several wives and sired several children.  Unfortunately, he was not a great father.  (1 Kings 13)When three of the children were young adults, a terrible series of events took place.  Amnon pretended to be ill and lured his half sister to his room to care for him.  He raped her.  When Tamar’s brother, Absalom, learned what happened he was highly upset.  This lingered in his heart and 2 years later, he killed Amnon.

            When David learned what had happened, he was upset.  Absalom fled.  David longed for Absalom but never fully forgave him.  Eventually, the son was allowed to return to Jerusalem but David did not allow him to see the king’s face.  David had a persistent desire for retribution and for Absalom to pay for his sin.  This is a second marker on the unforgiveness spectrum.

            The third marker is bitterness or a poisoned spirit toward another person.  Abraham had been promised by God that he would be the father of many nations.  The fulfillment of the promise was slow in coming.  Abraham’s wife, Sarah, had heard surrogate mothering.  She thought another woman could bear Abraham a child from the promise could come true.  So she told Abraham her plan and gave him her maid, Hagar.

            Abraham slept with Hagar.  She became pregnant.  When Sarah realized Hagar was pregnant, she despised Hagar and mistreated her.  Hagar fled but returned after the birth of the baby.  A few years later, Sarah became pregnant and gave birth to a child.  When she saw Hagar’s child mocking her son, she demanded that Hagar and the boy be sent away.

            At the end of the unforgiveness spectrum is deep-seated hatred that seeks to harm the other person.  The classic biblical example is Cain and Abel.  Following times of worship, Cain grew angry because God looked with favor on Abel’s offering.  He became so upset that he killed his brother.

            Speaking of wanting harm, you may have heard about an unusual funeral procession.  A woman was eating in an outdoor restaurant when she saw a hearse approaching.  Behind the hearse was a woman with a dog on leash.  Following the pair was about 200 other women.  Curiosity got the best of the woman who was eating so she approached the woman with the dog.  The woman behind the hearse explained that the person in the hearse was her husband.  The other woman asked how he died.  She responded, “My dog killed him.”  To this the other woman said, “Can I borrow the dog?”  The widow said, “Get in line.”

            Regardless of where one might be on the spectrum of unforgiveness, that person needs to forgive.  If one does not forgive, the chances are great that person will progress to toward the extreme end of the spectrum.

Stages of forgiveness

            I believe there are stages of forgiveness.  Forgiving is not merely a matter of saying, “I forgive you.  It’s OK.”  Within the Bible we can find four stages of forgiving.

            The first stage of forgiving is a matter of choice to forgive.  A person decides to forgive the other person.  It is not a matter of feeling like forgiving but is a matter of the will.  I forgive you.  Whether it is voiced to the person or not, it is the decision.

            This is where forgiveness begins.  One makes the decision not to hold the matter against the other person anymore.  She releases him from the debt of repaying and seeking retribution.  The one who forgives gives up the right to punish the other person for his transgressions.

            Maybe it is a little like the Christian woman who lived beside an atheist.  Every morning the woman would go onto her porch and say, “Praise the Lord.”  The atheist would always make some comment about the fact God did not exist.  Hard financial times came for this woman and she could not afford groceries.  She went onto her porch and prayed about her need and said, “Praise the Lord.”  It so happened the atheist heard this woman and felt compassion.  He went and purchased groceries and left them on her porch.  Then he hid in the bushes.  The woman came out and saw the provision.  She said, “Praise the Lord.  God has provided.”  The atheist stood from behind the bush and said, “I bought the groceries - there is not God.”  The woman responded, “God is good.  Not only did he provide groceries, he sent the Devil to deliver them.”

            The second stage of forgiveness is bestowing favor on the offender.  In Ephesians 4, Paul urges us to forgive as Christ forgave.  The Greek word that is translated forgive is carizomai.  It root is the same word for grace.  It means to show favor.

            In this stage of forgiveness, the offender not only has chosen to forgive but also does acts of kindness toward the offender.  I believe this is in line with what Jesus said.  He said, (Luke 6:27-28) “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”  These are acts of kindness toward an offender.  Paul advocated similar action by quoting Proverbs 21: (Romans 12:20) “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

            This stage of forgiveness carries a very practical side.  If the decision to forgive is really tough or if one is wrestling with the hurt inside that the offender brought, kind acts of favor are helpful.  Decisions and feeling can follow acts of kindness.  It does not have to be the other way.

            The third stage is more difficult that the first two.  It is a matter of the heart.  In his commentary to parable about forgiveness, Jesus talks about forgiving from the heart.  This is more that an act of volition.

            Forgiving from the heart deals with the emotions we have within.  When we have been misused, abused, betrayed, mocked, offended, ignored, etc. by another person it hurts.  Our emotions are bruised and injured.  Often it leaves us with a broken heart.  One might be able to forgive the other person as an act of the will.  He may be committed to acts of kindness toward the offender.  However, within, there is the hurt and awful feelings.  When one thinks of that person, it hurts and bad things frequently come to mind.  In these situations, the emotions need to be healed.

            Sometime ago, I had a young lady who was really hurting within come to me.  As we talked, she shared about how she had been physically neglected and abused as a child.  My heart ached as I listened.  I had to fight back my tears.  She was carrying a heavy emotional burden and needed to forgive from her heart.  Humanly, I knew it was nearly impossible.  She needed divine help.

            While God can heal our emotions in an instance, it often takes time.  Often we need to talk about the matters with a godly person who can be trusted.  Sometimes godly therapy is needed.  Always much prayer is required.  Prayer is where we get honest with God.  I believe only the Lord can heal the heart.  However, we must open our heart to him.

            The fourth stage of forgiveness is reconciliation of the relationship.  The offender and offended come back together in relationship.  Of course, this is not always possible or necessarily healthy.  Where there are systems of abuse and the offender has not be reformed, the abused does not need to reenter that relationship.  If you are wife who has been abused by your husband and he is still violent, you do not need to remarry the guy.

            Of course, another side to this is that reconciliation takes two.  You may be willing to reconcile but the other person may not.  Paul said, “As far as it depends upon you, live at peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:18).  Not everyone is willing to be reconciled.

Invitation

            As I said last week, there are few actions more important for us that forgiving.  Each time we partake of this holy meal, we are reminded about forgiving others.  Listen again to the invitation: Christ our Lord invites to his table all who love him, who earnestly repent of their sin and seek to live in peace with one another.  Let’s forgive and live in peace with others.