SELF INTRO's

Forgiveness: all over or ongoing?

Dear Diane,

I have experienced forgiveness as 

1) a one-time event, such as when I forgive (cease blaming) someone for something s/he has said or done;

2) an ongoing process, such as when I repeatedly forgive (cease blaming) someone for continuing to do things the way s/he does and/or to be the way s/he is;

3) a conversion of "2)" above to "1)" above when I cease having to repeatedly cease blaming someone for doing and being their way rather than mine.

I once discovered that I can choose between being an unforgiving person who makes exceptions while piling up an ever-greater caseload of grievances, and being a forgiving person who is reasonably current with my grievance caseload.

My heart-felt intention (a.k.a. as "commitment" is to be a forgiving person. Like all commitments that are both emotionally and mentally dedicated, this heart-felt intention is working quite well for me.



A FAQ concerning forgiveness

You have raised one of the perennial FAQ's about forgiveness, Diane, namely: 

Is unilateral forgiveness possible, or  is forgiveness dependent on reciprocation?

Now that I have framed the question that starkly, I would like to hear your further thoughts on this, via a reply to this post, after which I will respond with mine. 

(You may have noticed by now that Dr. Luskin addresses this question . . . AND your own views are what I would most like to hear.)


On completion

According to what is probably the greatest commentary ever written on "completion," the I Ching, coming to completion is an inside job. Accordingly, forgiveness has its origin, fruition and ultimate completion entirely within me, whether or not another has evoked it and whether or not others reciprocate it. 

The question of how I forgive someone who is committed to making my life difficult is answered in part by realization of how far more difficult than mine is the inner life thus lived by the other.

I once read the following: "We sometimes have people in our lives who totally thwart our good will and utterly try our patience. It nonetheless behooves us to forgive such a person for being a no-good, worthless, filthy s.o.b." This statement was obviously meant to be a joke, but like many effective jokes it points to the redemption of the very problem it caricaturizes.


Forgiveness and Health

Welcome, Marilyn.

Have you ever thought of considering what forgiveness does by giving a thorough look at what unforgiveness (carrying grudges) does?

For instance, on pages viii and ix of Forgive for Good, Dr. Luskin provides a quick review of what unforgiveness does. Unforgiveness

1) keeps me stuck in the past;

2) prolongs my suffering indefinitely;

3) traps me in anger, resentment and other negative feelings;

4) allows my past to spoil my present;

5) prevents me from making good life decisions.

I know beyond any doubt that all of those things are unhealthy, at least mentally and emotionally if not at present physically so. Furthermore, what is ongoingly dis-easing for me mentally and emotionally will eventually lead to physical dis-ease as well.

What forgiveness does, most simply stated, is stop all the stuff that unforgiveness does.

Sometimes knowing one's "enemy" is all it takes to vanquish it. You might therefore, beginning with the above five items, make a list of everything else you learn in this course (or already know) about what unforgiveness does, and contually confront any unforgiveness in you with the question, "Why am I treasuring such stuff?"  

If you would then be willing at the end of the course share your list with all of us, I am sure we would all have a deeper appreciation of the health effects of carrying grudges.



Getting unstuck from blame

Hi, Melitta. Are you related to philosopher John Rorty by chance?

For starters in getting unstuck from unforgiveness, you might consider taking a look at the list of things that unforgiveness does, which I posted in response to Marilyn (above), and then ask yourself why you are willing to sacfrice all of that for the sake of someone/thing you don't like. 

If you are going to set yourself up to die earlier than you otherwise might, why not choose to do so for someone/thing you admire and appreciate?



Being busy being born

I can relate to your predicament, Gregory.

When I was in my thirtysomethings, I took to heart Bob Dylan's lyrical quip, "He not busy being born is busy dying." 

Now I'm 66, and I have been able to accept all of the perceived inconveniences in the second third of my life only because, on behalf of being busy being born I forgave life for the way it is, i.e., for the fact that I am aging. As a consquence, the more years I add to my life the less willing I am to allow my enjoyment of the remaining third of my life to be marred by things that I wished were otherwise. 

I've discovered that forgiving life for being the way it is has tended to batch process a heap of other
unforgiveness-related issues, and free me to focus on putting out the smoldering ones.


Choosing forgiveness

I see, Cathy, that you are becoming ever more aware that forgiveness is a personal choice.

At the basis of that choice, as you are recognizing, is a reality that is also acknowledged by A Course in Miracles wither its statement for all seasons and purposes: "There is another way of looking at this."


Ther body-mind connection

Dear Wendy,

As I understand the body/mind connection with reference to forgiveness, it works like this:

No matter who or what is unforgiven by me, my unforgiveness exists only in me, where it serves to fixate my grief.  As the sole repository of my unforgiving feelings, therefore, I need not seek for whom my unforgiveness tolls – it takes its toll on me.



On-the-spot forgiveness

I admire your objective, Thomas, which is the same as my own: to be always current with my forgiveness caseload.

And as you have intuited, this sometimes entails the dredging up of unremembered past resentments that are still actively composting in one's psyche.



Raising your own allowance

You have an excellent grasp of what forgiveness is about, Cathy, and need now merely allow forgiveness to grasp you.

In addition to the questions you ask yourself when you catch yourself being in judgment, I suggest yet another: "In what ways might others view my situation?" Merely acknowledging the possibility of other perspectives, in addition  to inquiring of my own, has a tendency loosen the grip of any unforgiveness I am feeling.

I gather that your reference to "Rev. Maxine" is to Maxine Kaye, the Religious Science minister in Palo Alto?



The key to satisfaction

So few Americans are aware of Pema Chodren, Daphne, that I am wondering from whence you hail.

One of my favorite Chodren perspectives is "Being satisfied with what we already have is a magical golden key to being alive in a full, unrestricted and inspired way." This is the kind of satisfaction of which "I can't get no" so long as I allow outer circumstances to condition my S.Q. (satisfaction quotient). True satisfaction with what I have is possible only as I am internally satisfied irrespective of - and often in spite of - what I "have" in terms of other people in my life and the circumstances thereof. 

As a student in an earlier offering of this class put it, "It is not happiness that makes us thankful, rather thankfulness that makes us happy."

I would also like to hear about your experience of (and with) "The New Physics of Love" a la the book, Mindful Loving.



Falling apart to fall together

As all of the resources that you have cited reveal, the function of falling apart serves the purpose of more integrally falling together again, of doing naturally what all the king's horses and men cannot make to happen.

Boulder is a lovely city of the mind as well as a city blessed by a magnificent setting - a place to which we would have readily considered relocating had it offered opportunities comparable to those that await us in Wilsonville (and despite Boulder's unearned reputation among some folks in this area who refer to it as "Berserkely East").



Unforgiveness as projected self-blame

I know intimately what it is like, Ann, to experience a tendency toward self-blame.

My own experience (when deeply contemplated) reveals how ALL of my unforgiveness arises in my consciousness as a projection of self-blame. The dynamics of this projective process are so complex that I am writing an entire book in support of the preceding sentence's claim. The "elevator briefing" version of my book has already been articulated a century ago by Herman Hesse: "If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us." 

The socio-political dynamics of forgiveness will be addressed beginning in week three. For now I will note in passing that the dynamical underpinnings of both socio-political and personal unforgiveness/forgiveness are the same, namely, a perception that the cause of what I perceive, experience, think, say, and do is out there. For example, Hitler persuaded the German people that all of their problems were "out there" as a consequence of the "Jewish problem." He succeeded with this strategy so well that he in turn became the problem "out there" that the rest of the world beheld as their problem.

When I have a broken socio-political image of the world, it is a mirroring of a broken personal image of myself. I can offer no greater healing in resolution of interpersonal conflicts, wherther local, national or international, than the healing of my own being. As Gandhi indicated, I must be the difference I seek to make in the world. 

Both Hesse's and Gandhi's insights hark back to the fundamental teaching of Buddha: I cannot travel the path until I become the path.


Maintaining the larger perspective

You have reminded me, Marie, of Emerson's observation that the real test of keeping one's cool is to do so in the midst of the give and take of the daily bustle. (He, of course, phrased this far more elegantly.)

Since you've mentioned the health care profession, I'm recalling my experience of watching "ER" on TV and appreciating how difficult it must be to maintain a generally forgiving disposition in the midst of such cacophany. I ultimately know of no "technique" for doing so, other than having and sustaining a deeply heart-felt intention to BE so. Heart-felt intentionality is the psyche's larger perspective, which evolves and permutates its practice to accommodate the flux of circumstances. 

To the extent that I succeed in establishing and nurturing a deeply heart-felt intention to be a forgiving person, the practice of my being so makes itself up as I go. Which again harks to Buddha's observation that the ultimate "technique" for walking the path is being the path. 



Learning from and with one another

I take particular note, Teresa, of your anticipated learning from ALL of us. 

AllLearn is not thus named (All Learn) by happenstance. All of us know more than any of us concerning the nature and practice of forgiveness, and the more any of us hears from all of us, so much the wiser all concerned may become.

I would like to hear more about your work with "hurt, angry teenagers." In what contexts, roles, circumstances, etc. do you engage them?



Allowing oneself the gain that lurks in loss

Just last night, Roger, I came across an insight that may be relevant to your present deep (and still raw) sense of loss and lostness. 

I came upon it while reading Robert Greenleaf's book on Servant Leadership, which has an entire chapter on the dynamics of gain in loss. The chapter is entitled "An Inward Journey," and consists of an inspired comprehension of Robert Frosts' poem, "Directive":

"You must be lost enough before you can find yourself. The test, maybe, is this: If you can't find yourself, you're not lost enough."

This statement reminded me of the times when I've had to become lost to who I was in order to become present to who I am.

"To be on the journey one must have an attitude toward loss and being lost, a view of oneself in which [losses, however painful] do not appear as senseless or destructive. Rather, the losses . . . are seen as opening the way for new creative acts, and for the receiving of priceless gifts. Loss, every loss one's mind can conceive of, creates a vacuum into which will come (if allowed) something new and fresh and beautiful, something unforeseen - and the greatest of these is love."

As I stay open (or re-open myself) to love, it shows up in a new (and possibly, as you are hoping, REnewed) and fresh and beautiful expression.

Greenleaf concludes: "Loss, by itself, is not tragic. What is tragic is the failure to grasp the opportunity which loss represents."

Dr. Luskin's  H.E.A.L. method is an excellent way of forgivingly grasping the opportunity that my most difficult circumstances represent, once I remove my blameful attachment to them.

I no outright blaming of your wife in what you've written, nor does your confession to not meeting her needs sound more than potentially rather than actually blameful of yourself.  

In any event, great opportunity lurks in emotional messes, if and when it is allowed to emerge. The H.E.A.L. method is an excellent way to raise one's allowance accordingly.