Process and Boundaries

1.	Identi~ your fear. Fear is at the root of all negative, stressful emotions, including anger and hurt. Be with your frelings long enough to identifu the root frar. Exaggerate the fear if necessary.

2.	Identi~ how you see yourse if as a victim. Peace leaves our hearts only when we think it is possible for someone else to do something to us against our will. How specifically do you feel powerless in this situation?

3.	Own the fear and the feelings of victimhood and state them to the other person in a way that takes total responsibility for your experience. (eg. When you didn't call, I felt afraid that I was going to be abandoned. Iftel weak and powerless when I depend on you to love me in a particular way.) Ask the person to listen to what you say without judging it or responding to it.

4.	Check to see if the person understood you, so that you can feel completely heard.

5.	Ask the person if he or she has any feelings (not judgments or defenses) about what you have communicated.

6.	Listen without judgment or interpretation to what the person shares with you and acknowledge that you heard it.

7.	Iliank each other for making the space to listen.

8.	Don't try to resolve anything now. Just feel good about hearing each other. Agree to talk again if either of you has more feelings or some insight into what happened.

This process always works because it helps both of you take total responsibility for your feelings in any situation. It doesn't allow you to make the other person responsible for what you at'e feeling or vice versa. When you "own" what you are feeling and communicate it, the other person does not feel attacked, because you are disclosing information about yourself rather than blaming him or her for your experience. This keeps appropriate boundaries intact and does not invite mutual trespass.
The process also succeeds because it does not focus on "fixing" either the other person or yourself. The only outcome that is desired here is increased communication (in a non-threatening way) of what each person is feeling. Honest, heart-to-heart communication immediately restores the feeling of love and connection. When that happens. all problems - which are merely symptoms of separation and disconnection - disappear.